"But They Did It First!"

I’ll bet every parent has heard this woeful refrain on multiple occasions from their little cherubs when sibling skirmishes have broken out. This all too familiar justification is what children offer in defense of retaliating after an initial push or provocation: “But they did it first!!” Somehow, in their childish minds, that statement makes their sinful response to being sinned against perfectly acceptable. After all, isn’t the worst sinner the one who started it? And doesn’t the sinful behavior of another deserve a response in kind? Children certainly seem to think so. We can chalk it up to childish immaturity, recognizing the need for loving, mature parental correction and training.  Surely grown adults would not engage in this kind of behavior or think this way. We know better … or do we?

This is an area that God has made me increasingly aware of over the past few years. Of course, this applies to all relationships but I must confess, nowhere am I more deceived by this self-serving attitude than with my own husband.  How many times have I retaliated (isn’t there a less convicting word to use??) with disrespect, unnecessary sarcasm or a harsh rebuttal when unkind or hurtful words were first directed towards me? Why do I feel justified in responding with “works of the flesh” rather than displaying the fruit of the Spirit when I’ve been sinned against? How is it that a spouse’s sin seems more sinful and obvious than our own angry outburst, brooding silence or self-righteous criticism? Why do those of us who respond sinfully to another’s sin fail to see our own sinful hearts for what they really are and recognize our desperate need for repentance? How can we so easily justify, minimize and dismiss our sinful response, excusing it as acceptable, while fiercely clinging to a “They did it first” mentality? Are we as adults blinded to our own foolish immaturity and childish sinfulness? As author Paul Tripp has said in his writings, “We serve as our own best defense lawyers.” We are masters at absolving our own guilt while readily pointing an accusing finger at others. 

Scripture well understands this dynamic and speaks poignantly to the deceitfulness of our human hearts: “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?  Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” (Mt. 7:3-5)  By nature, we are all hyper-vigilant speck seekers while tripping over our own personal logs! The writer here minces no words. We are hypocrites who don’t see clearly! Scripture tells me there is something I need to do before I address any “speck” I think I see in another. I need to first “take the log out of my own eye”. This requires self-examination, honesty, and humility. It doesn’t come naturally to any of us. My flesh recoils at confronting my own sin. I must allow the spotlight of God’s truth through his Word and by His Spirit to search my heart.  He will be faithful to identify those logs of self-righteousness, pride, superiority, and justification that allow me to excuse my sin while condemning those who sin against me. 

The classic example that comes to mind concerning this dynamic is the scenario between Moses and God in the wilderness wanderings with Israel. Once again the congregation cried out against Moses, accusing their leader of bringing them out of Egypt to die in the wilderness for lack of water.  Rather than speaking to the rock to yield the water needed, as Moses was clearly commanded by the LORD to do, he instead struck the rock in anger twice with his staff and spoke harshly to the “rebel Israelites”. By God’s grace alone, water for the entire assembly and their flocks gushed out of the rock, bringing it’s sustaining life to all. However, the LORD held Moses responsible for his sinful reaction to the sinful provocation, accusations, and complaints of the nation. “Because you did not believe in me, to uphold me as holy in the eyes of the people of Israel, therefore you shall not bring this assembly into the land I have given them.” Moses’ response of anger and disobedience to God’s clear command bore heavy consequences and he forfeited the privilege of leading the nation into the Promised Land. (Num. 20:1-12, Ps. 106:32-33) 

Often, the response to this narrative is that we feel sorry for Moses. After all, these Israelites were a real pain in the neck! Look how they treated Moses. Look what Moses had to put up with. Constant complaining and whining…constant criticism and accusations…they challenged his authority and leadership at every turn. Humanly speaking, Moses had had it with this rebel bunch and lashed out at the rock with his staff. We tend to excuse his sinful response to the people. Certainly, we can understand his frustration and cut him some slack.  “After all, what does God expect?” we think to ourselves.  

God expects His holiness to be upheld. He expects our obedience. He expects us to lay hold of all He has provided through Christ to live a life of godliness. He expects us to say “No!” to sin. He has equipped us in every possible way to be His image bearers, no matter how provoked or sinned against. Rather than making excuses and responding humanly… naturally… He expects us to respond supernaturally! He has provided everything we need in order to do so. He has given His indwelling Spirit, His abundant grace, His great and precious promises, His abiding presence, spiritual gifts, resurrection power, Christ’s intercession on our behalf, the motivation and enablement to do His will, prayerful access into the throne room at any time, the armor of God, etc. The resources believers have in Christ in order to live for Him are myriad! 

We ARE responsible for how we respond to the sinful offense of another. Let us stop making excuses and deceiving ourselves. Lord, help us take responsibility and respond with humility and repentance whenever needed, in all our relationships.  Help us not to be like immature and foolish children, pointing a finger and calling out, “They did it first!” Please move us to lay hold of all the resources you have supplied so we as your people can live godly, even in the face of provocation or offense, that your name may be greatly honored and that your holiness may be upheld.