I wanted to see more of Him, hear more about Him, know Him better. So much so that, I asked Jesus to come into my heart. I wanted Him to be that close to me. Within me. With me. And, with the courage of the yet to be disappointed and with the candidness of one who has not yet learned to keep secrets or be coy, I went about wanting to introduce Him to everyone. All the time. Everywhere.
I think my exuberance at sharing Jesus with everyone including the baker who always handed me a green leaf cookie to the woman who regularly checked our groceries out at the food store, my mother was often taken aback at my directness, and each person’s candid response.
I also flew for the first time on an airplane at the age of seven, and without shame or hesitancy asked the man next to me if he knew My Jesus - because I wanted to tell him all about Him. He directly answered, “No, but I am sure glad that you know him.”
Carrying Jesus so close to my heart became a comfortable and completely secure way of life for me. I didn’t question His presence, or that He would hear my prayers, or that He would be there in my tears. I had complete trust and faith in Him. I know with certainty the words of God, For I am with you always, even to the end of the age as Matthew stated in verse 28:20b. I believed and lived out those words. Day by day. By day.
That truth and that knowledge, and the living proof of my relationship with Jesus carried me through those awkward years of braces and growing four inches in one year, rejection by teenage friends and boys, and even through trusting that He would watch over the dog that I had from the time I was five till I was 17, as she slipped from here to beyond the veil.
And, then it happened.
I fell truly, madly and deeply in love with an earthly man. To say he was handsome was an understatement. To say he was smart was a complete distortion of facts, as he was at one of the top colleges in the country and comfortably carried a GPA of 4.0 from semester to semester. To top it all off, he had attended etiquette classes at the private high school he went to. A prince.
He was irresistible in every way imaginable.
I remember the first encounter we had, the first kiss we shared as snowflakes dusted our noses and cheeks. Never once had I ever felt life could be so magical. It was for a time. Magical in an unreal way. The way of an earthly fairytale. Not a biblical written story of love.
There were the many times that I would come out of class to find a dozen roses in the passenger seat of my car. There were the dinners out at the most sought-after new restaurant in Chicago, which booked weeks in advance, and there was that time when we had strolled by a window front and I saw an outfit I thought was “to die” for, only to be devastated by the price tag. And then, to my wonderment, like Cinderella with her ballgown, the exact outfit had been delivered to my college dorm room the next day. It seemed to be magic.
As we all know, magic isn’t everyday life. Jesus doesn’t promise us magic, or even fairy tales. He says in His word, that We will face trials (James 1:2b). Period.
Soon in the unfolding of the fairy tale came marriage and with it a child to parent and all kinds of hurdles to jump, life’s issues to address, bills to pay for our lavish lifestyle. We began to walk a tightrope between love and hate. This man who had changed my world was now devastating it. He was taking what I had given him and devaluing it, casting it aside.
I had bought into a human husband to answer all my questions, to meet all my needs. I had turned away from my first love. I could hear the echoes from the past, the truths I had known, and been taught. You have forsaken the love you had at first. Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first, as Revelation 2:4 clearly stated and spoke directly to my aching heart.
I was so dismantled and broken, I could barely look up from Jesus’s feet where I had fallen into his arms that were open so wide. His arms were open, but I was too battered to be able to see.
Soon the magical marriage was a thing of the past, and I was a single mom to a beautiful boy who had the very best of both his father and mother. My joy. The one place I still could fully see His choosing to bless me. He chose for ME to be this child’s earthly parent.
“Come, my sweet child, surrender it ALL to me.”
“Give up everything earthy, and take your eyes off of it all. Look only for me and at me.”
“I am here, closer than ever before. I have never left you. It was only you that wandered away, and even then I had you clearly in my site.”
“I want you to fall head over heels in love with ME.”
“I see who you are, even the things you think no one knows, I know every detail of and I still love you, in truth, I am so crazy for you I died for you.”
For I am with you always, even to the end of the age.
I felt His words, I recognized His calling.
All I had to do in that moment was to surrender and fully trust. His words were as true as they had been when I was seven but in some way even truer now that I had stumbled and put him a sad second place or maybe even third place in my life. I knew there true meaning. Felt their true impact.
Those words echoed in my darkest hour. When I had surrendered hope, given up on my life, and let go of everything that had any meaning to me.
In an air-condition chilled room, I called out to Jesus. Again, though He had never left me. In that one desperate cry, it all came back to me. Love. Acceptance. Joy. Forgiveness. And peace. Pure sweet peace.
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28), and He did JUST as he promised.
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