Viewing the Past, Not Through our Pain, but Through the Lens of God’s Love

It was 2 a.m. when the haunting memories once again woke me up. My heart raced. My head pounded. For the life of me, I could not get back to sleep. The pain of years past seemed like it was just yesterday and my hurt and anxiety swelled yet again.

As I opened my Bible that morning, I felt remorse as I remembered Paul’s reflections that he shared in his letter to the Christians in Philippi.

Philippians 3:13b – 14

But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,

I press on toward the goal to win the prize

for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Then, I once again begin to beat myself up for continuing to dwell on the reflections in the rearview mirror of my life.

As I descended into Exodus, I was reminded that the Lord created the Passover celebration so that the Israelites didn’t forget their past. However, in his direction to the Israelites, Moses encouraged the Israelites to focus not on the pain they had experienced at the hands of the Egyptians, but instead on God’s love and provision.  

Exodus 13:3a

Then Moses said to the people, “Commemorate this day, the day you came out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery, because the LORD brought you out of it with a mighty hand.”

The Rearview Mirror Focusing on God’s Love

Crushed when my husband told me that he no longer loved me, I felt the strength of God’s righteous right hand uphold me and give me hope during that painful time. Many days have passed since these blessings occurred. The wisdom, which only time in the Lord’s Word and healing bring, allows me now to consider what truths can be gleaned as I look in the rearview mirror with a refocused view.

God will protect and provide for his people in our time of need.

The Lord protected me in some pretty miraculous ways in the short five months it took to transition from Mrs. to Miss.

My move from my husband’s home was eased when I touched base with my Cornerstone Connections collaborators to inform them that, while I would keep my commitment to prepare the weekly church newsletter, I wouldn’t be able to write any feature stories. I was surprised to learn during that exchange that the church had a “moving” ministry. On the day of my departure, six Cornerstone men, only one of whom I knew, showed up at my soon-to-be-former home, loaded my furniture into the moving van I rented, and took it to my new home. After moving me in, they left me with the best of wishes. I am still so grateful for their support.

Feeling the weight of trying to make ends meet, I was very concerned about how I was going to find the money that I needed to pay my son’s college expenses. At that point, I was completely baffled how I was going to raise the $11,000 I needed to meet my commitment to him without dipping further into my retirement savings. Just 10 days after my husband invited me out of his home, God provided the answer. I was offered an unsolicited freelance editing job at Lafayette College. Guess how much I could make over the next year? $11,000. Sure, it wasn’t easy working both a full-time and part-time job, but this blessing allowed me to meet this important obligation to my son.

The most amazing of God’s miracles was the one He worked at the divorce hearing. As the defendant in the case, I had to be present in the New Jersey courtroom because I was changing my last name. As the plaintiff, my husband also had to be there. The Lord somehow prevented him from receiving the notice of the court date, and the judge permitted him to participate in the hearing via conference call. That day, God protected my heart, as it was tough enough hearing him testify that there was no possibility for reconciliation. Seeing him would have been devastating.

The ease of my departure and an amicable divorce allowed me to move toward healing and offered peace and comfort during one of the most difficult times in my life. You can dwell on the disappointments, but if you look for the blessings, you’ll surely find them.

Psalm 34:18

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

God will comfort us.

I remember one of the darkest nights during this time. After many weeks of not sleeping and my prayers for restoration remaining unanswered, I was despondent. That night, as I cried myself to sleep, I asked the Lord for comfort. This was the prelude to the best night’s sleep that I had had in a month. And, you’re going to think I’m crazy, but I woke up the next morning with the distinct feeling that I had been held all night. A sweet dream or a Godly hug? I am choosing to believe the latter. While the precious Godly hug may just be a case of my imagination gone wild, God does promise to offer us comfort.

Isaiah 49:13

Shout for joy, O heavens; rejoice, O earth; burst into song, O mountains!

For the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.

Typically, His vehicle for doing that are his angels here on earth. For example, a few weeks after being invited out of my husband’s home, Pastor Tim VanSumeren was in touch with me to find out how I was doing and to suggest that I reach out to Helen. For four months, Helen met with me weekly to comfort me and encourage me toward a closer relationship with our Lord.

At that time, I also had many friends come alongside me, some of whom I had known for years and others from Cornerstone whom I had known for a short time. Their kindness still brings a smile to my face.

God will strengthen us in order that we may serve Him.

As Jesus drew my heart closer to him, I felt a passion for service growing in me. When Donna Preckwinkle approached me about joining her in launching a DivorceCare ministry at Cornerstone, I felt that I had found purpose in my pain.

1 Peter 4:10

Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others,

faithfully administering God’s grace in its various forms.

Today, as I look in the rearview mirror, I focus not on the hurt, but rather on His help. He provided for me in so many ways. The memories of His care refresh me and give me confidence that no matter what challenges I face in the future, He will walk alongside me, protect me, and comfort me.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for your provisions and for your love. As I look to my past, I see not the pain but your tender mercy and provision. Thank you for loving me and caring for me in the way that only you can. Amen.